There is an old saying, \u201cexpectations are premeditated resentments.\u201d There is a notion that if you expect little, you will protect yourself from disappointment in life. Clearly, though, ambition seems to be fundamental to many who achieve great success. And being driven by a great and worthy purpose connects people to a level of dedication that would be unlikely were there no expectation that any good would come from the risks taken.<\/p>\n
There are different kinds of expectations. There is the sort that reeks of entitlement, or the expectation, born out of hubris,\u00a0 to receive rewards you in no way deserve. Then there is a humble form of typically more noble sorts of expectations, things like just rewards in return for hard work or the satisfaction of acts of kindness offered without expecting anything in return.<\/p>\n
Expectations can simply be a desire to understand what the future might bring or a desperate attempt to demand certainty from things you cannot control. They can be the source of what motivates you to be conscientious or an emotional flaw that alienates you from reality.<\/p>\n
Expectations can be as benign as expecting your dog to be loyal and revering, or entirely self-defeating when you underestimate your self-worth, selling short your potential by choosing to believe that nothing of value will come of your efforts, no matter how you try.<\/p>\n
In Charles Dickens\u2019 book \u201cGreat Expectations,\u201d Philip Pirrip, or Pip, discovers that affection, loyalty, and conscience are more important than social advancement, wealth, and class. Dickens explores how ambition can bring out the best or the worst in us. The story is unambiguous in both its warnings and the hope it offers. Our expectations are part of what makes us human. Unlike any other creature on earth, we tie our hopes to the uncertainties of the future and cast our ambitions towards the unknown in order to advance ourselves and advance the world. And we can be blinded by avarice and either miss out on or even destroy what might be good in our lives.<\/p>\n
So, what do you expect?<\/p>\n
The answer for many people is, \u201cnot much.\u201d Or \u201cnothing at all.\u201d Others expect the world presented to them at their feet or habitually expect too much and find themselves scarred by disappointment. Does what you expect matter? It depends.<\/p>\n
What you expect and from whom you expect things is a choice. And all choices have consequences.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Parents and teachers typically do and should expect great things from the children in their care. The expectations are symbiotic. It builds youngsters esteem and helps prepare them to face life with a desire to make something of themselves. And seeing your expectations blossom in a child is enormously satisfying and rewarding.<\/p>\n
Yet, expecting things from others is often a recipe for disappointment or even resentment. Hoping someone to love you back as you love them is usually a hard lesson of the heart\u2019s fickleness. Depending on the goodwill of strangers can leave you vulnerable to grifters and any variety of psychopaths. And having unrealistic expectations of others can be off-putting and leave you isolated and feeling alone.<\/p>\n
As a leader, you might easily observe that those you serve will frequently disappoint you. People make promises they do not keep, commitments they are unprepared to honor, and do things in their own interest that disregard the interests of others. It seems to be part of human nature. Of course, some people are entirely dependable, conscientious, and honorable who go above and beyond what is expected of them \u2013 and perform to levels that consistently produce extraordinary results. This, too, is part of human nature.<\/p>\n
It seems that the side of nature you fall on has somewhat less to do with what you expect from others and more to do with what you expect from yourself. <\/em><\/p>\n
What you expect from yourself matters a great deal.\u00a0 It is the source of your conscientiousness and your grit. The standards you set for yourself determine how well you perform, especially under adversity. And those standards are a function of how you feel and think. Your standards amount to your values. They represent the hierarchy of your beliefs that guide your priorities and form the basis for your habits of thinking.<\/p>\n
Expectations may have something to do with how others might define you, but do little alone when it comes to defining who you really are.<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
The expectations you place on yourself can matter when they drive you to accomplish meaningful and significant things. The fear of underserving your own expectations can be a powerfully motivating force.<\/p>\n
But failing one\u2019s own expectations of themselves can also highly demotivating, especially when you harshly judge yourself based on impossible expectations you place on yourself. It is what you often see in failed overachievers. Continuously falling short of the standards you set for yourself can diminish your confidence and even destroy your drive.<\/p>\n
Failing to meet personal expectations isn\u2019t always a bad thing. People we would consider to be virtuoso performers are typically never fully satisfied. They constantly set higher and higher standards for their performance and use their persistent state of dissatisfaction as the fuel for continuous improvement.<\/p>\n
It is also fairly common to be judged by others based on their expectations of you. It might come in the form of persuasive encouragement or outright manipulation. \u00a0But, unless you share those same expectations with whoever is judging you, it is unlikely that your performance will benefit from what others think.<\/p>\n
Leaders, teachers, and parents all eventually come to understand that you have little impact getting people to do things that they don\u2019t want to do: incentives, bribes, and punishments, notwithstanding. People do things because they can and because they have to. Wanting to do something is very different than feeling you must do it \u2013with the difference tying into a sense of purpose. People often say they are dying to go on vacation, while some are actually willing to sacrifice their lives in service to a noble cause.<\/p>\n
The problem with external expectations is that people with deep insecurities or who crave approval might be receptive to well-meaning encouragement but are also highly susceptible to coercion. Con-artists are well aware that this can be an effective way to win someone\u2019s misplaced loyalty.<\/p>\n
Expectations can be broken down into two categories: intrinsic and extrinsic.<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Neither is in itself good or bad, but understanding the dynamics of intrinsic expectations is more useful to you as a leader. You can control your intrinsic expectations and learn how to influence others by helping them develop their own intrinsic expectations.<\/p>\n
The only things you can truly expect from yourself are the things that you have prepared yourself to accomplish. Examples might be anything meaningful that challenges your confidence or competence. But what about when you expect to falter or fail altogether?<\/p>\n
Fear and self-doubt can be self-defeating. Like the old saw suggests, \u201cwhether you think you can or think you can\u2019t \u2014you\u2019re right.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
But is it really that simple? Some level of fear and doubt may actually cause you to better prepare: fear can be a powerful motivator. But fear can also trigger total paralysis. What determines which way you respond? In large part, it is your habits of thinking.<\/p>\n
Habitual thoughts can range from mundane, non-consequential things like wondering what time it is to thoughts that could be debilitating or even dangerous. But a broad range of habitual thinking drives our routine behaviors. The conversations we have with ourselves, often described as self-talk can provide self-command that drives deliberate behaviors and intentional actions or more dysfunctional lines of thinking that interfere with what we are striving to accomplish.<\/p>\n
Self-command is different than self-control. Imposing self-control is a matter of resisting thoughts that we deem negative, destructive, or simply unproductive. The presumption is that we can override our impulses by employing logic and practice. Self-command, in contrast, is about constructing thoughts that enable the kinds of behaviors we recognize would be desirable and beneficial \u2013 and through repetition hard-wiring them into our thinking so that they create impulses that better serve us.<\/p>\n
Self-command is a more additive process, while self-control is deletive. Creating new habits generally requires some of both. <\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Often you must unlearn something before you can learn how to do something differently. The same is true for habits of thinking. Improvements to thinking must be both prescriptive and proscriptive. Much of what you might consider negative thinking is triggered by how you interpret your circumstances: you must stop seeing things as meaning one thing and find ways to apply new meaning instead. Most often, you are replacing your habits of thinking rather than merely forming new ones.<\/p>\n
Preparation tends to be a habit of your thinking. Young children learn to understand how to be prepared by being tasked with chores at home, assignments at school, and through structured playtime. Parents, teachers, coaches, and other caregivers set expectations and constraints to help children become more independent over time. You may have been reminded and gently encouraged to do things as a child or even given assistance in your tasks. You were also likely to have been scolded or punished when you failed to do what you should have known was expected of you. What was likely considered necessary and helpful when you were young becomes enabling of dysfunctional behavior as you grow more capable of taking on responsibility for both your actions and the consequences.<\/p>\n
Much of the training, rote repetition, and teaching you received was preparing you for your life ahead. The goal of most parents is to guide their children to become independent and productive members of society. You were being groomed to prepare yourself for the challenges you would face so you would own the consequences of your failures as well as the joy that comes from the satisfaction of your accomplishments.<\/p>\n
You were learning to be prepared to meet the needs of your own life\u2019s journey. The standards are measured by successes and failures \u2013 according to what is generally considered normal expectations. If you are average, you get measured as a success; if you fall below average, you are likely to be deemed a failure \u2013 and if you wildly exceed expectations, you risk possibly even being considered freakish. The standard of success is mediocrity. If you blend in, don\u2019t cause trouble or disruption, remain conventional in what you express or demonstrate about your thinking, you a rewarded with a comfortable place in society.<\/p>\n
People who have the audacity to always expect more from themselves are often reviled but are also the ones that alter the course of society.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Steve Jobs famously put it this way: \u201cthose who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.\u201d Or, as Dr. Lee Thayer would argue, \u201cconventional thinking always produced conventional results.\u201d<\/p>\n
Some people prepare, even over-prepare, as a form of self-soothing. It feels good to have things in order as you embark on any journey. But in leadership, preparation is a matter of sacrificing your comfort. Leaders must be responsible for being prepared for the unexpected and the unknown. To be prepared as a leader, you must be willing and able to move beyond your comfort zone. And you must lead others by causing them to be willing to do the same.<\/p>\n
All great accomplishments are accompanied by equally great risks. <\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Success is rarely realized by avoiding risks but by managing them. Declaring failure not to be an option is a preposterous statement. Failure is always an option in the pursuit of anything genuinely significant and meaningful. Failure is not a good option or even an acceptable outcome, but there would no value in success without the risk. The problem is when failure is inevitable, not because it was an option, but because you were not fully prepared to successfully accomplish what must be done.<\/p>\n
Failure is a likely consequence of not being prepared. You have probably heard it said that if you fail to prepare, you should be prepared to fail<\/em>. Life is rarely that simple. There are occasions where you simply have no time to prepare before you must act. Should you expect to fail? Or might you expect to succeed knowing that the risk of being unprepared is sometimes better than the risk of doing nothing at all?<\/p>\n
Preparation is ultimately not what you do but who you are. Preparation is a state of being and a consequence of your doings. When the time comes to act, you are either prepared or not. <\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
The consequences will determine whether your preparation was sufficient \u2013 and luck will always play into the outcome. The adage goes, \u201cthe better you prepare, the luckier you get.\u201d You prepare to be lucky and expect that you might not be. But if you do not expect yourself to be prepared for whatever you might face, the chances are good that you will fail at your aims in life.<\/p>\n
Intrinsic expectations are merely a spark.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Unless you are also prepared to ignite the actions that will fuel and fulfill your aspirations, you will find yourself with nothing but empty hopes and dreams. All you can indeed expect in life is what you actually make happen. Abraham Lincoln suggested, \u201cthe best way to predict the future is to create it.\u201d<\/p>\n
You can surely expect what you know you can deliver, and be willing to expect what you don\u2019t yet know you can deliver. Nobody can ever do what cannot be done, yet progress results from accomplishing things that most people previously believed to be impossible. And those who push those boundaries somehow expect that they will succeed.<\/p>\n
It all comes down to what it is that you expect from yourself. Do you have the courage to think differently? To challenge the status quo? To risk being ridiculed and isolated?<\/p>\n
Do you have the strength to empower your convictions, knowing that you might deplete your energy and resources without accomplishing all you set out to do? Do you have a purpose that drives you to act in service to a cause that is greater than your own needs or interests?<\/p>\n
If you do, then I expect you might have what it takes to expect a lot of yourself. If not, that really is OK too. No one is expecting you to change the world, and not everyone can or will. Just know that what you expect is a choice and that you have the right to defy all expectations.<\/p>\n
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