Listening is an art. Like with any art, people have differing degrees of natural talent. Some people are more naturally inclined to develop better listening skills than others. The good news is that talent is not a prerequisite. If you dedicate yourself, you can learn to listen well enough to become an exceptional leader by making yourself into a virtuoso listener.<\/p>\n
Being a virtuoso listener might help you in all areas of life. It makes for a better parent, friend, spouse, or neighbor. And it is an essential quality for many professions. Success in all people-facing professions depends on having excellent communication skills and requires, foremost, that you be a skillful listener. Healthcare providers who are clinically proficient \u2013 but poor listeners are incapable of delivering first-rate care \u2013 and are often incompetent.<\/p>\n
Being effective as a leader is entirely dependent on being a competent listener.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
An exceptional leader requires responding to problems and opportunities while influencing the people around you to take appropriate and effective action.\u00a0Being effective as a leader is entirely dependent on being a competent listener. Competence here suggests that you accomplish something meaningful and measurable through your listening.<\/p>\n
Leadership depends on gaining perspective, having your beliefs challenged, and your unconscious biases revealed. It requires more than relying on gut instincts. Clearly, you must listen to the constituency of your followers and the people you entrust to support your thinking, planning, and actions. It also requires listening to your rivals. Your detractors and even your enemies must inform your thinking.<\/p>\n
In her book, \u201cTeam of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln,\u201d Doris Kearns Goodwin writes about the tremendous and undeniable advantage the added perspective gave Lincoln.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s not just whom you listen to; it\u2019s what you listen\u00a0for\u00a0that counts.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
While Goodwin focuses on Lincoln\u2019s remarkable political acumen in appointing the three opponents who challenged him for his party\u2019s presidential nomination to key cabinet posts, it was not just his political savvy that defined his brilliance. His exceptional emotional intelligence yielded a high-performing team, not despite their differences but because of them. All this was possible because Lincoln had a remarkable capacity to listen fully and, because of this, to persuade and influence.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s not just whom you listen to; it\u2019s what you listen\u00a0for<\/em>\u00a0that counts.\u00a0No amount of listening will benefit you without a willingness and capacity to learn from what you hear.<\/p>\n
Learning is not about acquiring information; it\u2019s about developing understanding and wisdom from what you gather. To learn, you must be curious, but curiosity is not enough. You must also have the humility necessary to detach yourself from your understandings and beliefs to fully understand and accept the perspectives of others that challenge your own. There is also an element of vulnerability that must exist to acknowledge that what you think and believe might not be correct \u2013 or the best way forward.<\/p>\n
What It Means To Be a Virtuoso Listener<\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n
All living things depend on some form of communication to survive\u2014even primitive organisms signal information linked to their functions, including nourishment and procreation. Insects and animals have complex means of communicating. Bees have ritual dances, birds court their mates by displaying their plumage, mammals fight for primacy, and primates demonstrate their prowess and virility and engage in playful activities.<\/p>\n
Communication builds community, establishes order \u2013 and even provides entertainment to many living things. While much of this communication in lower animals may extend from instinct, human beings are nearly fully defined as individuals by our ability to craft what we communicate. We create all art forms \u2013 purely to communicate thoughts, ideas, and feelings.<\/p>\n
To be human is to communicate.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
As Yuval Noah Harari describes in his book \u201cSapiens,\u201d we also create imagined realities \u2013 things we communicate that become the basis for defined and protected social norms. These include laws, currencies, boundaries, and property: all constructs of human imagination and intellect that we strictly enforce with consistency and consequence.<\/p>\n
To be human is to communicate.\u00a0And communication is a function of both what we create and disseminate and what we take in. You cannot be an effective communicator without being a competent listener.<\/p>\n
People are not born with listening skills, per se. Provided you do not have an organic or medical deficit, you were born with sensory hearing and then learned how to listen as a matter of survival. Initially, you learned quickly \u2013 and somewhat instinctively to identify sounds that signal potential danger and to recognize the familiar sounds of your surroundings, most importantly, the voices of those you depended on to keep you safe and to care for your basic needs. In time you began to decipher language and its nuances.<\/p>\n
Becoming a virtuoso listener requires hard work. It begins by first learning to simply be a good listener, which is not particularly easy. Evidence includes the rifts between spouses who feel unheard or misunderstood; teenagers who are convinced that their parents have no clue about what\u2019s important to them \u2014 and their parents who are often dismayed by the avoidance of communication by their teenage offspring.<\/p>\n
We might be great orators and strategists \u2013 and still have dismal listening skills. But accomplished adults in leadership roles are often terrible at listening to others. We are often incurious and prone to retreat to the comfort of certainty \u2013 even when we are not. We easily tune out what we disagree with or choose not to hear and seek confirmation for our beliefs. And we are much more comfortable having answers than questions.<\/p>\n
We might be great orators and strategists \u2013 and still have dismal listening skills.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Hearing is different than listening. It is a sensory function that feeds raw data into your brain. It is a combination of mechanics (the vibration of your eardrum and your bones and fluid in your inner ear) and neurological pathways that transmit signal impulses through the auditory nerve to the brainstem, up to the thalamus, and finally to the primary auditory cortex, located at the sides of your brain.<\/p>\n
Listening comes down to interpretation of that raw data. More specifically, it is how your mind makes sense of what you hear. Some things are the simply learned recognition of familiar sounds. Bells ringing, babies crying, birds chirping, dogs barking, car horns honking, and everyday noises inform us about our surroundings. Other things are more complex, like recognizing someone\u2019s voice \u2013 and assessing the emotions and subtle meanings they are broadcasting, Or things like listening to music and reacting to the rhythm, melody, and instrumentation that combined can trigger an emotional response.<\/p>\n
Listening is not just a learned skill; it is also a choice.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Listening is not just a learned skill; it is also a choice.\u00a0You can selectively listen to some things and tune out others. Noisy, repetitive sounds like nearby traffic, trains passing, or aircraft flying overhead might be an interruption and distraction when you first encounter them. Still, over time you may no longer notice them.<\/p>\n
The thing that differentiates hearing from listening is your ability to make meaning of what you hear \u2013 or think you hear.<\/p>\n
Your mind is literally a meaning-making machine. While your brain is a highly complex physical organ that performs all sorts of tasks and regulates systems critical to your existence and survival, your mind has no mass or form or any detectable physical characteristics.<\/p>\n
You cannot see, touch, or even locate your mind within your body. You can stimulate it through deliberate actions involving your sensory perception \u2013 or alter it by changing the condition of the brain using physical or chemical stimulation or alteration. But you can only indirectly influence your mind and thoughts \u2013 and how you make sense of the world around you\u2014and within you.<\/p>\n
Everyone is naturally prone to hearing what we want to hear, at least some of the time.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
It is impossible to upload an education or delete harmful habits of thinking. You can shape your mind or help shape the minds of others through communication that informs learning and changes behaviors. It may even be possible to impose some changes by radical means such as inducing psychological and emotional stressors (brainwashing) or by medical intervention \u2014 but, by in large, people will feel how they choose to feel about things and believe what they want to.<\/p>\n
Everyone is naturally prone to hearing what we want to hear, at least some of the time.\u00a0It may result from wishful thinking, willfully ignoring, or simply from habitual inattention. As the listener, you always decide the meaning of what you hear, and you choose what you are willing to hear or not.<\/p>\n
Some things are clearly hard to hear. Bad news, criticism, insults, or inconvenient truths might challenge your attention. And things that challenge your comprehension are much easier to dismiss than to learn to grasp. It generally takes some purposeful determination to make yourself comfortable being uncomfortable. It is not that people are inherently lazy or cowardly. It may just be that human beings are programmed to move away from pain and towards pleasure.<\/p>\n
Curbing your resistance to discomfort is a function of purpose.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Curbing your resistance to discomfort is a function of purpose.\u00a0If you desire to be uncomfortable, it\u2019s easy to lean in towards pain, fear, and worry. Some people punish themselves this way, while others simply relish how discomfort makes them feel alive. But other forms of purpose might grant you the courage and tenacity to move from where you are most comfortable.<\/p>\n
A worthy, indelible purpose \u2013 or great worthy cause will move people to endure all sorts of hardship.\u00a0When you find purpose in your aims, you often discover that your tolerance for pain and hardship is far greater than you might have imagined. Beyond the severity of the discomfort you can tolerate, the meaning you make of why you must embrace it is what drives your will.<\/p>\n
When you find purpose in your aims, you often discover that your tolerance for pain and hardship is far greater than you might have imagined.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Being conscientious is a function of listening. While it is primarily listening to yourself or the voice in your head, the beliefs \u2014or the hierarchy of beliefs that are your values\u2014 are impressionable. What you believe or value might never change, but when it does, it is because you have learned something new. You might have simply thought something through and come to a new understanding. Or, just as likely, it is an external experience that influences your thinking and perhaps challenges your beliefs.<\/p>\n
Exceptional leaders make a habit of listening to others for perspectives that might change and ideally improve their thinking.\u00a0But they are also just as likely to be keenly aware of the voice in their head. They either harness the voice that speaks to the power of their convictions or quiet that voice when it sows self-doubt or forms obstacles that keep you from accomplishing what matters most. The strength of your conscientiousness is a combination of structural soundness and plasticity. It is the same classic wisdom as the willow versus the oak.<\/p>\n
Understanding your purpose drives you to be conscientious by guiding how you approach life. When you have an abiding sense that what you must do is necessary, you will do whatever it takes to make it possible.<\/p>\n
Exceptional leaders make a habit of listening to others for perspectives that might change and ideally improve their thinking.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
This kind of thinking is the embodiment of leadership. When you demonstrate to others why truly challenging things are both necessary and possible, you wield a sort of influence that calls people into action. Highly effective leaders communicate through their words and their deeds. And neither can be effectively communicated without first listening and understanding what your mission means to others.<\/p>\n
Conscientiousness is a state of preparedness. The action that ensues is defined by what we call grit. Your ability to be comfortable being uncomfortable shows up in working longer or harder, confronting your fears and inadequacies, and accessing the humility and vulnerability you need to learn in the face of adversity. While being purpose-driven informs your dedication to your pursuits, understandably, you must not only endeavor to work hard but be certain that you are working towards the right aim. Some necessary introspection and the need to be open to learning help ensure that what you accomplish is what truly matters most \u2013 and serves the greatest good.<\/p>\n
Barack Obama spoke to this issue when he noted, \u201cThe biggest challenge, I think, is always maintaining your moral compass. Those are the conversations I\u2019m having internally. I\u2019m measuring my actions against that inner voice that, for me at least, is audible, is active, it tells me where I think I\u2019m on track and where I think I\u2019m off track.\u201d His predecessor, Abraham Lincoln, would have likely counseled Obama to engage other voices in those debates and preferably include people with whom he did not agree. It is easy to see how you are likely to learn very little from people who think as you do and likely to learn a great deal from those with whom you are in violent disagreement.<\/p>\n
The Stoic philosopher Epictetus suggests, \u201cIt is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.\u201d It is also impossible to listen to others with the intent of learning without having an open mind.<\/p>\n
Great listeners and exceptional leaders are intensely, insatiably, and relentlessly curious \u2013 to the extent that people will view you as courageous.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Dr. Lee Thayer defined this as being in the \u201clearning mode,\u201d where we are open to what our curiosity uncovers. It contrasts with the \u201cknowing mode,\u201d where we are closed to new ideas and abide by foolish certainties, shutting out any possibility of accepting evidence that what we know or believe might be wrong. It\u2019s not good enough to be mildly curious.\u00a0Great listeners and exceptional leaders are intensely, insatiably, and relentlessly curious \u2013 to the extent that people will view you as courageous.<\/p>\n
Certainty does have its place. Once you commit to an action, it is preferable not to waiver or hesitate. You cannot assure success in any pursuit that involves risk, but failure can easily be guaranteed by failing to execute or follow through with your action. Here, again, confidence in the absence of absolute certainty is supported by listening and learning and then employing your best judgment and effort.<\/p>\n
A DIME FOR 4 SIMPLE THINGS YOU CAN DO TO BE A COURAGEOUS LISTENER AND A BETTER LEADER<\/span><\/h3>\n
As noted earlier, becoming a virtuoso listener requires practice \u2013 and for some of us, hard work.<\/p>\n
Here is a simple technique that will help guide you. D.I.M.E.<\/strong><\/span> is an acronym for a 4-step process that will elevate your capacity to lead others effectively.<\/p>\n
D \u2013 Discern<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n
You must approach what people say with curiosity. Avoid assuming you already know what they are telling or asking of you. You must first discern what the other person needs or wants and what, if anything, they expect from you. You must then decide what you need to know and what you don\u2019t. When you learn to see value in what others have to say \u2013 you will find it easy to remain curious and open to learning something mutually beneficial.\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n
I \u2013 Intent<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n
In any interaction, your intention should be to make yourself useful. (Peter F. Drucker, one of the most influential business thought leaders in history, offered this advice to the nearly as renowned business author, Jim Collins.) You may not have the answers or resources others are seeking. Still, if you are committed to contributing value to every person you meet and every conversation you have, you will discover that having better questions is often more valuable than having the answers. Listening intentionally is far more powerful than employing active listening alone. When you intend to make every dialogue an opportunity to make a valuable contribution, what you listen for elevates your understanding of what matters most.\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n
M – Mindful Focus<\/span>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n
Exceptional listening requires mastering your mind. It means learning to be present in the moment \u2013 and quieting the noise in your head \u2013 so you can focus on what others are saying. Great leaders and listeners employ high levels of emotional intelligence to place the needs and interests of whomever you are talking with above your own \u2013 for at least a moment or two. Listening is a selfless act that can elevate people\u2019s dignity and the humanity surrounding you. When you remain mindful of this and appreciate that when you are really listening to people, you are making a valuable contribution to their wellbeing. Being mindful makes you accessible and, therefore, more useful in serving the needs of others.\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n
E – Empathy<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n
Simply listening is sometimes all that is needed to let another person know you care. When you demonstrate genuine empathy, you move the relationship from transactional to transformational. How you listen matters. People know if you are pretending to listen \u2013 or half-listening. Empathy means caring about what the other person cares about \u2013 or at least communicating clearly and honestly that you understand who they are and what they need. Con artists are highly effective at using their listening prowess to develop a false sense of trust so they can manipulate their victims. Genuine empathy requires integrity, transparency, and a sense of duty to a benevolent purpose and to serve something greater than your own needs and interests. Being listened to with empathy is indistinguishable from being loved. Empathy will earn you the respect needed to be an exceptional leader.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n
Listening at the level required to be a great leader can take courage. It is much easier to dismiss your critics, placate your supporters and ignore the feedback of your advisers than to consider the things that challenge your beliefs. But the strength you need to be a highly effective leader comes from learning to listen carefully for what you need to know that you might not. It is then up to you to choose from what is useful and determine what you need.<\/p>\n
\u201cA penny for your thoughts\u201d is a playful way to prod someone to speak with you. But if your listening isn\u2019t \u201cworth a dime,\u201d \u2013 why bother asking?<\/p>\n
Unless you invest that dime \u2013 you are unlikely ever to reach your full potential \u2013 or accomplish your aims as a leader. Is it worth the investment? Now, how about a penny for your thoughts?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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