There is a lot of talk about how much people need to find joy and comfort during this holiday season. Let’s face it, for most of us, much of the year behind us has been fraught with pain, uncertainty, confusion, isolation, fear, and frustration coming from every direction. And now, just when we might need it most, the traditional trappings of the holidays are now also being consumed with the sense of dread we had all hoped would be behind us by now.

I read a pleading opinion by a prominent doctor (albeit with distinctively known political leanings that render the perspective at least suspicious) suggesting that we really ought not to cancel the upcoming holidays, that whatever the risks people might encounter, we really need the sense of joy that accompanies these celebrations, adding that people should also be mindful of maintaining prudent safety precautions. On the surface, the advice seems sensible enough. We know that many people are deeply suffering from the social constraints that have only worsened our sense of wellbeing over these long, difficult months.

But the good doctor misses a critical point —one that we would all be well-served to heed: joy does not come from the holidays. Festivities are not a source of joy – but a celebration of the joy we should already feel.

My disagreement is not a frivolous perspective, either. The rate of suicide increases during the holidays is an unfortunate fact. People who already feel desperate and unhappy become despondent and experience enormous isolation when they cannot reconcile their own feelings against the backdrop of what seems to be unbridled happiness bubbling-up all around them.

Holiday music blares from shops and malls, and even gas station pumps and festive lights turn the darkness into magical spectacles. Images of families lovingly gathering to exchange affections and mementos beckon consumers to open their hearts by opening their wallets. Much of the retail industry makes its profits during this short season each year.

For many people, the holidays are stark reminders of what people want but do not have.

Parents who are struggling just to get by find little solace in the thoughts behind simple presents when the family next door lavishes expensive gifts on children who rapidly become bored with the abundance of more distractions set before them. People who are bitterly estranged from those they once loved or suffering the loss of those they still do find the holidays difficult to enjoy. And those who are abused by those who are supposed to love and care for them too often find that the holidays are to be feared as they tend to add to the tension and uncertainty of their already fragile lives.

I do not wish to cast a pall on the spirit of the season that inspires people to be generous and caring. It is truly a season of hope and an opportunity to find joy in places that aren’t all that hard to look.

It has long come to my attention that joy, like hope, springs eternal – but that joy is neither manufactured nor given to us.

We cultivate joy. It is what we find in the satisfaction of the worthwhile things we accomplish. The more significant we feel our accomplishments are – the greater the sense of joy.

People do find that joy in the holidays. We accomplish great things when we share our homes with friends and loved ones. We bring the magical delight to the attention to the details that make our decorations special. You can cultivate moments of extraordinary joy by helping out those in need and perhaps find little joy themselves.

So, here is the simple, sweet recipe I promised:

  1. Take stock of your competencies. These are the gifts you were given at birth; all you have worked hard to make you who you are, and the things you continue to work on as you learn and grow. When you apply your competencies to a noble cause, and you accomplish something truly worthwhile – the moments of overwhelming joy you will experience is secondary to the satisfaction of knowing that you have made yourself truly competent and able to accomplish things that significantly meaningful by dedicating yourself to the things that matter most to you.
  2. Take stock of how you might learn and grow. Find ways to get comfortable being uncomfortable and stretching yourself towards wherever your curiosity leads you. The joy of learning comes from understanding that real growth is, in itself, a significant accomplishment.
  3. Practice empathy. Learn to be compassionate in your empathy by listening to others – while listening to the voice of your best self. People cannot distinguish the experience of truly being heard and being loved. There is always joy in being loved, as it is the accomplishment of both feeling lovable and also able to accept the love that is offered to you. The multiplier of this kind of caring about others is like a feedback loop: the more you bring joy to others, the more joy you experience yourself.

Of course, there is no good reason to limit the practice of cultivating moments of overwhelming joy, or what I call MoJo, to just the holidays. It is a gift that keeps on giving all year long and for all the years of your life.